16 September 2013
To moving on
Since the last time I wrote, my life took a serious turn.
I always say to myself, you really need to start writing weekly and let things out, but life gets in the way and that just doesn't happen. As I'm laying in my bed, in my room, in my house in Shippensburg, watching "Love it or List it" on HGTV, looking around my room at all my encouraging "Be Free" and "be your own kind of beautiful" wall art, I was inspired to write.
Let me start by saying, I had the best summer of my life. I ended things that were over, spent time with my best friends, made new best friends, enjoyed family time and started new beginnings too. I worked an amazing job where I was FINALLY able to make great money and save up for the upcoming school year and made great contacts and friends throughout it also. It was the summer of my life. It was full of laughter, dancing, drinking, having life talks at 3 a.m., cuddling with my best girlfriends over Ace Ventura movies and pretzels with peanut butter, singing at the top of our lungs in the bar to "Here's To Never Growing Up" or "Blurred Lines," enjoying the beach with my mom and second family, getting tattoos, learning more of what I wanted to do with my life and finding a new man, though he's been in my life for awhile, to share my time with. I could not be happier with this summer if I tried. I'll never forget a day of it.
So now I'm back at school. My senior year at Shippensburg U. Crazy right? I never thought these days would come honestly. I remember looking at my high school ID and seeing 2010 on it for graduation and cringing, "that's so far away." All of a sudden I was walking in my white cap and gown starting a new chapter. Then I sat at Northampton and was thought, "these next four years are going to be the longest years of my life!" Then I transferred and said," these next three years are going to be the longest years of my life!" Now, in 235 days and 19 hours I will be walking in my navy cap and gown, holding a bachelors degree in my hand for Communication/Journalism saying, "these were the quickest years of my life." They have flown by and I have made a million great memories to take with me and I am still making them. This year may be very different and by far, not the best because of certain situations, but it's my last and that's amazing to me. I have worked so hard for this and I am happy to say that I am proud to be where I am here.
Now onto what's really important. The other night I was told something that sent a shiver throughout my body, made tears well up in my eyes and cleared my head like no other words have ever done to me before. He said, "It's okay to say no. You're not going to get yelled at because you said no this time. Clear these demons from your closet, get rid of those thoughts, those people, because they don't matter anymore. They're not real and they don't matter; they never did." I have lived with such demons and horrible thoughts since I was 15-years-old and I have let them overrun me and turn me into someone I do not like. The words he spoke made me snap out of whatever little, stupid bubble I was living in inside my head and wake up. I need to destroy what destroys me. Let go of the let downs, the imperfections, all the little things I hate in this world, breathe and distance myself from the negativity. I've preached on here about being yourself, loving yourself and being the best you can, but it's all easier said than done. We all struggle with something and that is what I struggle with. I love myself and loathe myself a lot of the time. It's a seesaw affect that just keeps teetering back and forth, back and forth depending on my day, my mood, the things I hear or the dreams I have. I am so tired of that. I am exhausted mentally and it's time for a change. So today, those thoughts get thrown out of my head. I have thought so hard about all of this during this weekend and I am through. I am through living in a person's head who doesn't like me or my body or the actions I take sometimes. I am through with it all because I have been through hell, but I am still learning. I am a working progress and I am willing to put in 100 percent effort to make myself the woman I want to be and the woman that my family, friends and boyfriend are proud of even more than right now. I am doing this for me because I deserve to be the happiest girl alive, with myself. People make me happy all the time. I have the best family, friends and boyfriend, but now it's my turn to clear my head and make myself happy.
Here's to moving forward, never backward.
Be strong, be bold.
I always say to myself, you really need to start writing weekly and let things out, but life gets in the way and that just doesn't happen. As I'm laying in my bed, in my room, in my house in Shippensburg, watching "Love it or List it" on HGTV, looking around my room at all my encouraging "Be Free" and "be your own kind of beautiful" wall art, I was inspired to write.
Let me start by saying, I had the best summer of my life. I ended things that were over, spent time with my best friends, made new best friends, enjoyed family time and started new beginnings too. I worked an amazing job where I was FINALLY able to make great money and save up for the upcoming school year and made great contacts and friends throughout it also. It was the summer of my life. It was full of laughter, dancing, drinking, having life talks at 3 a.m., cuddling with my best girlfriends over Ace Ventura movies and pretzels with peanut butter, singing at the top of our lungs in the bar to "Here's To Never Growing Up" or "Blurred Lines," enjoying the beach with my mom and second family, getting tattoos, learning more of what I wanted to do with my life and finding a new man, though he's been in my life for awhile, to share my time with. I could not be happier with this summer if I tried. I'll never forget a day of it.
So now I'm back at school. My senior year at Shippensburg U. Crazy right? I never thought these days would come honestly. I remember looking at my high school ID and seeing 2010 on it for graduation and cringing, "that's so far away." All of a sudden I was walking in my white cap and gown starting a new chapter. Then I sat at Northampton and was thought, "these next four years are going to be the longest years of my life!" Then I transferred and said," these next three years are going to be the longest years of my life!" Now, in 235 days and 19 hours I will be walking in my navy cap and gown, holding a bachelors degree in my hand for Communication/Journalism saying, "these were the quickest years of my life." They have flown by and I have made a million great memories to take with me and I am still making them. This year may be very different and by far, not the best because of certain situations, but it's my last and that's amazing to me. I have worked so hard for this and I am happy to say that I am proud to be where I am here.
Now onto what's really important. The other night I was told something that sent a shiver throughout my body, made tears well up in my eyes and cleared my head like no other words have ever done to me before. He said, "It's okay to say no. You're not going to get yelled at because you said no this time. Clear these demons from your closet, get rid of those thoughts, those people, because they don't matter anymore. They're not real and they don't matter; they never did." I have lived with such demons and horrible thoughts since I was 15-years-old and I have let them overrun me and turn me into someone I do not like. The words he spoke made me snap out of whatever little, stupid bubble I was living in inside my head and wake up. I need to destroy what destroys me. Let go of the let downs, the imperfections, all the little things I hate in this world, breathe and distance myself from the negativity. I've preached on here about being yourself, loving yourself and being the best you can, but it's all easier said than done. We all struggle with something and that is what I struggle with. I love myself and loathe myself a lot of the time. It's a seesaw affect that just keeps teetering back and forth, back and forth depending on my day, my mood, the things I hear or the dreams I have. I am so tired of that. I am exhausted mentally and it's time for a change. So today, those thoughts get thrown out of my head. I have thought so hard about all of this during this weekend and I am through. I am through living in a person's head who doesn't like me or my body or the actions I take sometimes. I am through with it all because I have been through hell, but I am still learning. I am a working progress and I am willing to put in 100 percent effort to make myself the woman I want to be and the woman that my family, friends and boyfriend are proud of even more than right now. I am doing this for me because I deserve to be the happiest girl alive, with myself. People make me happy all the time. I have the best family, friends and boyfriend, but now it's my turn to clear my head and make myself happy.
Here's to moving forward, never backward.
Be strong, be bold.
06 June 2013
starting with the man in the mirror
Today I have had an epiphany about my life and life in general. It has been awhile since I have written; waiting for inspiration is not always easy. This past school year and the start of the summer has not been the most inspiring time for me. Dealing with stressful situations, schools, friendships coming and going, you would think it was plenty inspirational, but it was just hectic. So I am going to get back into this, writing at least once a week and hoping to inspire some others with my thoughts and words.
Today my high school has graduation for yet another class of successful seniors. I have quite a few younger friends graduating today and I could not be happier for them. Graduating high school may seem like such an easy task. The classes are not terribly hard; you come, do your work and leave. But sometimes the things that go on outside of the classroom are what make it hard for high schoolers. A few of my friends dealt with these struggles, myself included. Sometimes things are not as easy as you expect them to be and my social life in high school was one of those things. I love my friends more than anything, but I have had to pick and choose many times throughout people and really find out whom I could trust and be around. Relationships were hard, deaths of friends even harder. My lack of a positive self-image took over.That was my high school experience.
So today, as I am planning gifts for those who deserve them after graduation, I sat back and thought hard. I thought about what advice I could give someone, thoughts and words of wisdom I could relay to someone in need, who may not know which direction to turn in now. And then it hit me. The advice I want to give someone, is not the route I have been taking or the advice I have been following. And it is time I do so.
Nothing is harder than facing problems within yourself. I know someone whom I think is beautiful inside and out, but she does not think the same. Is that not so common in this world? This world is so full of beautiful things that are covered up or blinded by the people whom are filled with hate. It makes me so sad to see others suffer, like I, myself suffer. In a world so judgemental and harsh, people really stuggle. So thinking back on my four years of high school, where I am today and what I could honestly convey to people younger than me, I realized a lot about myself and life.
Life is what you make it. Things are not going to be easy, hardly ever. Relationships are never going to be absolutely perfect like you see in the movies. Confidence is not genetic or hereditary, it takes work. These are things that make up our lives: Confidence, relationships with people, inner strength, money and hard work. Sometimes I think that internally you need to be the strongest person on the planet to get through the day and other days I think that being sad and having a tough time is okay. These things are all lessons learned that have helped me develop, but honestly, it dates back to high school. I know a lot of people had the time of their lives, others struggled and some hated it. I really do believe that once you get out you take a step back, realize a lot and start developing yourself as an individual person in this adult, scary world. So here's the advice I can give, but have not been taking for myself.
I am going to be a senior in college. Looking back on when I was a senior in high school, sitting in my maroon chair in the gymnasiam of Bangor Area High School, I had this huge smile on my face. I did not cry, I was not even sad to be leaving high school; I was over it all. I had no idea what direction to turn in but I loved the fact that it was all up to me, it was all my choice. I felt such freedom and all I ever wanted was to grow up. Did I make all the right choices though? Definitely not. Is being a grown up what I thought it would be? In ways yes. I went down some stupid roads I should not have, I messed up a time or two and I struggled with a lot internally and still do up until this day. I can look a graduating senior in the face tonight and say, "keep your worries to a minimum, because things do get better" and know I have not been living through those words. I can honestly say, "find out who your best friends were in high school and give it six months to a year. If they are still around, you are usually golden. However, do not get your hopes up if they are not around in that time." I can look at my friend's faces and say, "Make all the decisions you make for yourself, no one else. Be that individual woman that you have always dreamed of being and stay strong" and know that I have not been living these words either. What I can honestly say that I have never lived is, "leave what happened these past four years behind you and move on. The rearview mirror is for reversing and on the high way, you cannot do that."
I have lived in the past for too long. What happened to me in my past does not reflect the person I am today, but I let it. I let the past shape who I am and I am ashamed of that. Very bad things have happened to me and some of those things have made me stronger, but they have all affected me negatively. That is the best advice I can give to anyone graduating tonight or that is in the same postion I am right now; sitting here, thinking back and realizing that you have not acheived the goals you once set for yourself as a person. Do not let the negative things in life shape you as a person. Nothing is worth worrying about because things always work out in the end. Worrying gets you know where but upset and stressed out, which never makes anything better. I have worried about so many things that I cannot help or change and let so many things that I could alter pass by quickly. Life is too short for all of that, you need to be free from all of it.
Walking into the real world is scary. However I have to say, if I would have walked into it with this mentality, things would be very different for me right now. I fight a low self-esteem in a confident exterior. I struggle with past mistakes and occurances in a strong and positive mask. I am such a strong person with a weak heart and worrisome mind. I cry for the "what ifs" and the "I wish I could go backs" instead of peddling forward up this huge hill of life. That hill keeps going and going. You get tired at some points but if you stop you will fall backward and roll back down. There is nothing like taking a step back when you want to take two steps forward; it is an awful feeling. So do not do so. Keep pushing ahead to bigger and better things. Set goals and dreams and follow them until they smack you in the face, showing you satisfaction and gratitude. Leave the past where it is and follow a clear and sunny path to success as a person and in an career path that you choose. Looking at frienships and/or relationships, live day to day. Heart breaks are going to happen and friendships are going to dwindle, but you keep moving forward. Life keeps going. So do not worry yourself and waste time on people who do not have time and do not worry about you. Find those who you can grow old with and keep laughing. It is the best medicine for a heartache, sadness, worry or fear.
I wish I would have had someone to say these things to me as I was starting my future, but now I can do that for some of you. As I look back I may have not moved up my hill as much as I would have liked to but I can say this: I am a strong woman. I have dealt with so much disappointment and hard times, within myself especially and ran through them head first. I am more confident every single day and with it being my biggest battle, I am turning into someone I can see my mom being proud of and my kids looking up to.
Today has been very inspirational for me. I just want everyone to know that things do get better, time does not stop for anyone or anything and you have the power to create your life the way you want to. No one is going to stand in your way, and if they do, move them.
Be strong, be bold, be free.
Today my high school has graduation for yet another class of successful seniors. I have quite a few younger friends graduating today and I could not be happier for them. Graduating high school may seem like such an easy task. The classes are not terribly hard; you come, do your work and leave. But sometimes the things that go on outside of the classroom are what make it hard for high schoolers. A few of my friends dealt with these struggles, myself included. Sometimes things are not as easy as you expect them to be and my social life in high school was one of those things. I love my friends more than anything, but I have had to pick and choose many times throughout people and really find out whom I could trust and be around. Relationships were hard, deaths of friends even harder. My lack of a positive self-image took over.That was my high school experience.
So today, as I am planning gifts for those who deserve them after graduation, I sat back and thought hard. I thought about what advice I could give someone, thoughts and words of wisdom I could relay to someone in need, who may not know which direction to turn in now. And then it hit me. The advice I want to give someone, is not the route I have been taking or the advice I have been following. And it is time I do so.
Nothing is harder than facing problems within yourself. I know someone whom I think is beautiful inside and out, but she does not think the same. Is that not so common in this world? This world is so full of beautiful things that are covered up or blinded by the people whom are filled with hate. It makes me so sad to see others suffer, like I, myself suffer. In a world so judgemental and harsh, people really stuggle. So thinking back on my four years of high school, where I am today and what I could honestly convey to people younger than me, I realized a lot about myself and life.
Life is what you make it. Things are not going to be easy, hardly ever. Relationships are never going to be absolutely perfect like you see in the movies. Confidence is not genetic or hereditary, it takes work. These are things that make up our lives: Confidence, relationships with people, inner strength, money and hard work. Sometimes I think that internally you need to be the strongest person on the planet to get through the day and other days I think that being sad and having a tough time is okay. These things are all lessons learned that have helped me develop, but honestly, it dates back to high school. I know a lot of people had the time of their lives, others struggled and some hated it. I really do believe that once you get out you take a step back, realize a lot and start developing yourself as an individual person in this adult, scary world. So here's the advice I can give, but have not been taking for myself.
I am going to be a senior in college. Looking back on when I was a senior in high school, sitting in my maroon chair in the gymnasiam of Bangor Area High School, I had this huge smile on my face. I did not cry, I was not even sad to be leaving high school; I was over it all. I had no idea what direction to turn in but I loved the fact that it was all up to me, it was all my choice. I felt such freedom and all I ever wanted was to grow up. Did I make all the right choices though? Definitely not. Is being a grown up what I thought it would be? In ways yes. I went down some stupid roads I should not have, I messed up a time or two and I struggled with a lot internally and still do up until this day. I can look a graduating senior in the face tonight and say, "keep your worries to a minimum, because things do get better" and know I have not been living through those words. I can honestly say, "find out who your best friends were in high school and give it six months to a year. If they are still around, you are usually golden. However, do not get your hopes up if they are not around in that time." I can look at my friend's faces and say, "Make all the decisions you make for yourself, no one else. Be that individual woman that you have always dreamed of being and stay strong" and know that I have not been living these words either. What I can honestly say that I have never lived is, "leave what happened these past four years behind you and move on. The rearview mirror is for reversing and on the high way, you cannot do that."
I have lived in the past for too long. What happened to me in my past does not reflect the person I am today, but I let it. I let the past shape who I am and I am ashamed of that. Very bad things have happened to me and some of those things have made me stronger, but they have all affected me negatively. That is the best advice I can give to anyone graduating tonight or that is in the same postion I am right now; sitting here, thinking back and realizing that you have not acheived the goals you once set for yourself as a person. Do not let the negative things in life shape you as a person. Nothing is worth worrying about because things always work out in the end. Worrying gets you know where but upset and stressed out, which never makes anything better. I have worried about so many things that I cannot help or change and let so many things that I could alter pass by quickly. Life is too short for all of that, you need to be free from all of it.
Walking into the real world is scary. However I have to say, if I would have walked into it with this mentality, things would be very different for me right now. I fight a low self-esteem in a confident exterior. I struggle with past mistakes and occurances in a strong and positive mask. I am such a strong person with a weak heart and worrisome mind. I cry for the "what ifs" and the "I wish I could go backs" instead of peddling forward up this huge hill of life. That hill keeps going and going. You get tired at some points but if you stop you will fall backward and roll back down. There is nothing like taking a step back when you want to take two steps forward; it is an awful feeling. So do not do so. Keep pushing ahead to bigger and better things. Set goals and dreams and follow them until they smack you in the face, showing you satisfaction and gratitude. Leave the past where it is and follow a clear and sunny path to success as a person and in an career path that you choose. Looking at frienships and/or relationships, live day to day. Heart breaks are going to happen and friendships are going to dwindle, but you keep moving forward. Life keeps going. So do not worry yourself and waste time on people who do not have time and do not worry about you. Find those who you can grow old with and keep laughing. It is the best medicine for a heartache, sadness, worry or fear.
I wish I would have had someone to say these things to me as I was starting my future, but now I can do that for some of you. As I look back I may have not moved up my hill as much as I would have liked to but I can say this: I am a strong woman. I have dealt with so much disappointment and hard times, within myself especially and ran through them head first. I am more confident every single day and with it being my biggest battle, I am turning into someone I can see my mom being proud of and my kids looking up to.
Today has been very inspirational for me. I just want everyone to know that things do get better, time does not stop for anyone or anything and you have the power to create your life the way you want to. No one is going to stand in your way, and if they do, move them.
Be strong, be bold, be free.
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