16 September 2013
To moving on
Since the last time I wrote, my life took a serious turn.
I always say to myself, you really need to start writing weekly and let things out, but life gets in the way and that just doesn't happen. As I'm laying in my bed, in my room, in my house in Shippensburg, watching "Love it or List it" on HGTV, looking around my room at all my encouraging "Be Free" and "be your own kind of beautiful" wall art, I was inspired to write.
Let me start by saying, I had the best summer of my life. I ended things that were over, spent time with my best friends, made new best friends, enjoyed family time and started new beginnings too. I worked an amazing job where I was FINALLY able to make great money and save up for the upcoming school year and made great contacts and friends throughout it also. It was the summer of my life. It was full of laughter, dancing, drinking, having life talks at 3 a.m., cuddling with my best girlfriends over Ace Ventura movies and pretzels with peanut butter, singing at the top of our lungs in the bar to "Here's To Never Growing Up" or "Blurred Lines," enjoying the beach with my mom and second family, getting tattoos, learning more of what I wanted to do with my life and finding a new man, though he's been in my life for awhile, to share my time with. I could not be happier with this summer if I tried. I'll never forget a day of it.
So now I'm back at school. My senior year at Shippensburg U. Crazy right? I never thought these days would come honestly. I remember looking at my high school ID and seeing 2010 on it for graduation and cringing, "that's so far away." All of a sudden I was walking in my white cap and gown starting a new chapter. Then I sat at Northampton and was thought, "these next four years are going to be the longest years of my life!" Then I transferred and said," these next three years are going to be the longest years of my life!" Now, in 235 days and 19 hours I will be walking in my navy cap and gown, holding a bachelors degree in my hand for Communication/Journalism saying, "these were the quickest years of my life." They have flown by and I have made a million great memories to take with me and I am still making them. This year may be very different and by far, not the best because of certain situations, but it's my last and that's amazing to me. I have worked so hard for this and I am happy to say that I am proud to be where I am here.
Now onto what's really important. The other night I was told something that sent a shiver throughout my body, made tears well up in my eyes and cleared my head like no other words have ever done to me before. He said, "It's okay to say no. You're not going to get yelled at because you said no this time. Clear these demons from your closet, get rid of those thoughts, those people, because they don't matter anymore. They're not real and they don't matter; they never did." I have lived with such demons and horrible thoughts since I was 15-years-old and I have let them overrun me and turn me into someone I do not like. The words he spoke made me snap out of whatever little, stupid bubble I was living in inside my head and wake up. I need to destroy what destroys me. Let go of the let downs, the imperfections, all the little things I hate in this world, breathe and distance myself from the negativity. I've preached on here about being yourself, loving yourself and being the best you can, but it's all easier said than done. We all struggle with something and that is what I struggle with. I love myself and loathe myself a lot of the time. It's a seesaw affect that just keeps teetering back and forth, back and forth depending on my day, my mood, the things I hear or the dreams I have. I am so tired of that. I am exhausted mentally and it's time for a change. So today, those thoughts get thrown out of my head. I have thought so hard about all of this during this weekend and I am through. I am through living in a person's head who doesn't like me or my body or the actions I take sometimes. I am through with it all because I have been through hell, but I am still learning. I am a working progress and I am willing to put in 100 percent effort to make myself the woman I want to be and the woman that my family, friends and boyfriend are proud of even more than right now. I am doing this for me because I deserve to be the happiest girl alive, with myself. People make me happy all the time. I have the best family, friends and boyfriend, but now it's my turn to clear my head and make myself happy.
Here's to moving forward, never backward.
Be strong, be bold.
I always say to myself, you really need to start writing weekly and let things out, but life gets in the way and that just doesn't happen. As I'm laying in my bed, in my room, in my house in Shippensburg, watching "Love it or List it" on HGTV, looking around my room at all my encouraging "Be Free" and "be your own kind of beautiful" wall art, I was inspired to write.
Let me start by saying, I had the best summer of my life. I ended things that were over, spent time with my best friends, made new best friends, enjoyed family time and started new beginnings too. I worked an amazing job where I was FINALLY able to make great money and save up for the upcoming school year and made great contacts and friends throughout it also. It was the summer of my life. It was full of laughter, dancing, drinking, having life talks at 3 a.m., cuddling with my best girlfriends over Ace Ventura movies and pretzels with peanut butter, singing at the top of our lungs in the bar to "Here's To Never Growing Up" or "Blurred Lines," enjoying the beach with my mom and second family, getting tattoos, learning more of what I wanted to do with my life and finding a new man, though he's been in my life for awhile, to share my time with. I could not be happier with this summer if I tried. I'll never forget a day of it.
So now I'm back at school. My senior year at Shippensburg U. Crazy right? I never thought these days would come honestly. I remember looking at my high school ID and seeing 2010 on it for graduation and cringing, "that's so far away." All of a sudden I was walking in my white cap and gown starting a new chapter. Then I sat at Northampton and was thought, "these next four years are going to be the longest years of my life!" Then I transferred and said," these next three years are going to be the longest years of my life!" Now, in 235 days and 19 hours I will be walking in my navy cap and gown, holding a bachelors degree in my hand for Communication/Journalism saying, "these were the quickest years of my life." They have flown by and I have made a million great memories to take with me and I am still making them. This year may be very different and by far, not the best because of certain situations, but it's my last and that's amazing to me. I have worked so hard for this and I am happy to say that I am proud to be where I am here.
Now onto what's really important. The other night I was told something that sent a shiver throughout my body, made tears well up in my eyes and cleared my head like no other words have ever done to me before. He said, "It's okay to say no. You're not going to get yelled at because you said no this time. Clear these demons from your closet, get rid of those thoughts, those people, because they don't matter anymore. They're not real and they don't matter; they never did." I have lived with such demons and horrible thoughts since I was 15-years-old and I have let them overrun me and turn me into someone I do not like. The words he spoke made me snap out of whatever little, stupid bubble I was living in inside my head and wake up. I need to destroy what destroys me. Let go of the let downs, the imperfections, all the little things I hate in this world, breathe and distance myself from the negativity. I've preached on here about being yourself, loving yourself and being the best you can, but it's all easier said than done. We all struggle with something and that is what I struggle with. I love myself and loathe myself a lot of the time. It's a seesaw affect that just keeps teetering back and forth, back and forth depending on my day, my mood, the things I hear or the dreams I have. I am so tired of that. I am exhausted mentally and it's time for a change. So today, those thoughts get thrown out of my head. I have thought so hard about all of this during this weekend and I am through. I am through living in a person's head who doesn't like me or my body or the actions I take sometimes. I am through with it all because I have been through hell, but I am still learning. I am a working progress and I am willing to put in 100 percent effort to make myself the woman I want to be and the woman that my family, friends and boyfriend are proud of even more than right now. I am doing this for me because I deserve to be the happiest girl alive, with myself. People make me happy all the time. I have the best family, friends and boyfriend, but now it's my turn to clear my head and make myself happy.
Here's to moving forward, never backward.
Be strong, be bold.
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