lonely in my own world.

I haven't been in the mood for writing....which is not normal.


I've just been so lonely.

Without you, I am lonelier than I have ever felt before. I can be in a room, surrounded by many people, and still feel alone because you're not with me. I am strong, and I will be patient...but this is getting harder, more exhausting, and more sad than I would have ever expected.


missing you, always.

believer

and Im not sure where this life is going to take me...
but I'm ready.

Perfection

now it's my turn for spring break.

I had the best week and I am extremely sad for it to end. My boyfriend blew me away this week. Everything was so perfect and sweeet and loving, I just love him and love when he's home.

I wish I could always be with him.

BUT nevertheless, this is the last serious goodbye I will be saying to him (other than me leaving his track meets) because in less than two months, its me and him, all summer, then we're together at Ship.

Man that is exciting.
although I'm lonely already. he takes a part of me every time he leaves me.

there is no better feeling then knowing that someone loves you, for you.
no better love than the love between him and I.
no better emotion then real happiness. happiness brought to you by yourself, and the one who loves you.
I am in love. At nineteen, for the first time, and the last time. And I couldn't be happier.

mayeighteenthtwothousandten.
me and you, forever and ever.

this is the way I live

So the new waitress job last night went well! first night in training and I did really well, so I'm happy about that.

Ive also been having the best week with my boyfriend, ever. I haven't laughed and smiled this must since the last time he was home. I miss him so much and I don't want him to go back to school Sunday. My reality is closer than I think.

Just a little ranting.

i hate school
I feel as though we waste so much time in school, granted we wouldn't have "lives" if it weren't for our education, but I'm just sick of the things I'm never going to use again in my life..
i don't care about ancient medieval history not even kind of.

and I have a huge midterm tomorrow on it, ask me if I know anything? nope. I don't.
oh and statistics, that too. test tomorrow. yay.


ugh. I want to fast forward and just be successful already. well..sometimes.

locked in

ever feel like you can't breathe? but nothing is really even going on?

i feel like that sometimes.

everything is just the same, day in and day out, and it's boring, and gloomy.
i feel like I'm stuck in a rut that i cannot wait to get out of.. but i have to do just that.
i need some new excitement and scenery in my life. some new air to breathe :)



Thank you to all my friends and family for wishing me a happy birthday and being here for me day in and day out. I love you all and I am so thankful for the life I live..

no matter the bordem or lonliness i feel sometimes

I AM BLESSED.

a little boy

Chalk

In the park near his house

A young boy will make

Lots of pictures using chalk

Some things real, some things fake.

Concentrating with his tongue out

He draws a fat cat

Giggling to himself

He finishes and says “Would ya look at that!”

He begins to draw dinosaurs

Using red, green, and blue

He makes a mistake and stomps his little feet

But still aware of just what to do

He gets up and laughs

Head held up towards the sky

Says, “Look what I can draw!”

Struts around, head held high.

Another boy spots his pictures

Covers his mouth and says “Wow!”

He tilts his head to the new admirer

Whispers quietly, “Look at me now.”

They begin to play some tag

Running all over the park

Dirt from head to toe

As the light turns to dark.

The boy goes back to his pictures

And suddenly becomes sad

Mommy grabs his little hand tight

And says, “Why don’t we show dad.”

Eyes wide, eye brows jumping

He runs to grab daddy’s hand

He shows them their big teeth and tails

So proud of his dinosaur land.

It’s time to go inside for bed

He grabs mommy and daddy’s hands to walk

He looks back reminiscing about his day

What fun he had today with chalk.

To all of you who have had broken hearts, shattered dreams, insecurities, and mental, emotional, physical, harm and stress, keep pushing through. No one deserves to be degraded and talked down to, but it happens doesn't it? I went through a time where it happened every single day, like it became routine.

I didn't realize it then, because just like anyone else, I was blinded by the horrible situation, but when I did finally come to my senses and took a step back to look at my life, I was horrified. Horrified by the person I let myself become. This scared, little, insecure, sad girl that I was not.

Keep going, don't think you won't make it or that you can't do it. End whatever you're in and be strong. Never think you 'need' someone, never. You may say you do, but sit back and actually think about it, do you really need them? I thought I needed someone one time, I was completely wrong, and I think it's sick. Sick to think you actually NEED someone to function, when they obviously show you they don't need you. Don't let that happen, ever.

Don't ever let someone tell you you're not good enough, you're ugly, you're this you're that. It's not true. I am beautiful. I have a beautiful mind and personality, and it was taken from me at one point, and forced to turn into something else. Never let that happen. Be who you are, for yourself. You're happiness comes first, it's you're number one priority. Don't let it slip away, it's hard to get back.

So I found my head again, my heart, my bright smile, and my big blue eyes of love, curiosity, care, and courage. I found out what things make me happy and just what I have to do to achieve them. I have also found someone you treats me right. With respect, care, protection, and more love then I could ever ask for or imagine. He is my best friend, the love of my life, and my savior. He has become my hero. So strong, brave, caring, loving, funny, the works. He's perfect..and I never believed in perfect before.

When you think there is no more, you're wrong. Because when you're wasting time being naive like i was and being treated poorly, you're missing out on someone who will love you for you.
Your imperfections, your strength, your emotions.
Your likes and dislikes, wierd quirks, your funny laugh, your immature jokes and mind.
Your curves, body structure, style, eyes, smile, hair.

and he/she will love the things you hate the most, just because they're apart of you.
Beauty is internal before external. let your mind wonder

oh, and happy birthday to me (:

i have a purpose in this life

I am inspired to write by the things that happen in life and in my mind. Whether all the things I write are truthful to myself or not, I am here to help someone understand something. I write to make it enjoyable for others and to get through to people. I have learned a lot by other people's writings, and I hope to do the same for someone else one day.

I have a friend, a beautiful friend, who doesn't quite know just how truley amazing she is. From the outside, some are intimidated, I love that about her. She's unique in every way. From the inside, she comes off strong, proud, brave, confident, blunt, sarcastic, and sure of herself. Within her heart, she is pure, beautiful, thoughtful, caring, loving, and would do anything for her loved ones. To me, she is beautiful. One of the most beautiful people I know and she said to me once, "you're going to save someone's life one day." Her name is Missy. And I love her.

And that means the world to me.

I am here to get inside your head, to make you think about the way you live and go throughout your own life. Take my writings what ever way you want to, but I have a purpose. Writing is extremely self healing, and it has done wonders for me. I hope for you, they will help. And if not, I'll keep trying.

Here I am, take me as I am, or don't. I am me and I will be no one else, for anyone else. Never again will I degrade myself for someone else's well-being. MY well-being is what matters, as does my happiness. And this is how I express that. So I hope you will read along.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to Gregory Dwayne Davis.
I miss you every single day and I'm always thinking about you.
Today you'll be on my mind all day and I know you want me to be happy.
But it's just really hard. You would have been 20 today..it kills me to know that.
It kills me to think that you didnt even get to live your full life, that you were taken to qucikly.
I miss you.
And I know I shouldn't be crying and being all upset, but I just can't help it. I am really very sorry.
You're happier now where you are than when you were here, and I know that. I just wish I could see you.
Happy Birthday!
Fly High <3

"No one can hurt you now

Angels are singing along with your story

Holding your hands and laughing along

Little boy you fly so high and far

You deserve it, fly high and free"

my life be like ohh ahh

no matter what is going on in your life, know that you are loved.
there is, and always will be someone that you can trust, love, and talk to.
so live your life, have a best friend, laugh, and love something with all your heart.
and when you're feeling sad, lonely, or happy, think of the people you love most in your life
and understand that they're never going to leave you; i'd be no where without the ones in my life.
no matter the troubles you're going through or the blockades in your roads, it can always be worse.
never take things for granted, there are millions of people who have less in their lives then you do now

thank you to everyone who has pushed me, taught me things, and believed in me..
when god knows i didn't even believe in myself.

i am very thankful for the people in my life, and wouldn't be the person i am today without them.


i have learned so much in the last few months that i cannot even explain.
some important things are:

believing in myself

knowing i can get what i want

never giving up on myself

laughing and smiling are the best things in life

letting someone get close, and trusting them

understand that not everything has a reason for happening, but we still have to except it.

handling things with maturety shows growth and strength

i now know what a real smile feels like

i know what it feels like to be loved, for real

rather looking down or backwards, look forward into tomorrow.

every day is a new day, smile that you're alive.



a little girl

Carefree

Laying in the meadow
A young girl will enter a daze
Looking up into the clouds
The bright blue colors holding her gaze.

She picks up a dandelion
And pops off the top
Laughing at what she has done
She picks another, then ‘pop!’

She lies on her back
Eyes closed feeling the wind blow
Her curly brown hair in her face
She peaks through as the scenery begins to flow.

The grass leaning to the left
Trees swaying to the right
She giggles to herself
Feeling the warmth of the sunlight.

She stands and spins in a circle
Eyes closed head turned up to the sky
Her dress twirls like a ballerina
She whispers softly, “Please let me fly.”

She giggles and skips along
To the nearest apple tree
She climbs to the very tip top
Just to inspect how far she can see.

The young girl sees home
Mommy ringing a bell out the window
She knows that means dinner time
Fun has come to an end in the meadow.