I refuse to sink

Sometimes it's so hard to find your way in this world.
Things never come easy, and if they do, something's not right.
But instead of putting yourself down, pull yourself back up. Stand up tall because tomorrow is a new day. I have tendencies of crying and being so hard on myself, because some weeks I'm doing so well, than others I'm doing everything wrong. I was working out so hard and looking great...then all of a sudden I stopped because I had a really busy week. Now look at me? Back to square one. My roommate took Fall pictures of us a week or so ago, and seeing what I actually look like killed me. BUT it's time to pick myself up now, not let myself sink. Everyone should do this. It's not easy to tell yourself no, realize what you're doing wrong or tell yourself to never give up, but you have to. Nothing gets better if you don't try. Stand up with confidence and prove this world wrong. You decide your fate and make the decisions, no one else. Learn to live on your own schedule, not by what everyone thinks, and believe in yourself. If you learn one thing from me, take one thing from all my posts, I hope it's that. Don't ever doubt your abilities and think less of yourself, you will sink.

be you.

i was always told, when i was inspired to write...that i should write.
and Art History inspired me today.


There is a sculpture in ancient history called the Women of Willendorf.

This sculpture represents a healthy, wide hipped, fertile, woman in the ancient world. Someone the men would want as a wife and as the mother of their children. Hundreds and hundreds of years ago, the "perfect" woman was this in their minds. Someone with wide hips so having a baby would be easier, a large chest for feeding, and big legs for producing a strong baby. This is what men longed for. Now think about it....what does the common male want in our world today?

Jessica Alba

Jessica is one example of what the common man looks at today. A beautiful, striking, face, still a big chest, very thin waist, barely no hips, and long skinny legs. This is what, in today's world, has been said to be very close to perfect. A size 1, if she even wears that.

another example would be..

A Victoria Secret Model

This girl here, in this bathing suit...doesn't really even look like this. A size 0 in pants probably hangs off of her in this picture, but this is all air brushing. Although, when you first looked at this, didn't you think "Wow! If I was that skinny!" ....exactly, you did. we all do. SHE even wishes she was that skinny.

The difference is scary. Too many girls and women in this world today are too preoccupied with their weight and what they look like, to live their happy successful lives. I have seen and heard of way to many girls and woman, picked on, bullied, and put down for what they look like. And I myself have gone through this. Being even a little overweight, is hard in this society. But what is overweight?

From the first picture of the sculpture, to the model above, great changes have been made in the image of the perfect woman. And if you step back not to far, the woman icon, who wore a size 8 and above, would be considered fat in our world; when by no means is a size 8 large.

Marilyn Monroe

To me, is one of the most beautiful women who has ever lived. But in today's world and society, she would be considered overweight.

I encourage women to think about this. That Victoria secret model, who starves herself and STILL needs to be air brushed..isn't real. Jessica Alba's million dollar body, that she lives with a personal trainer telling her what to eat and what not to eat..watching her every move...isn't real. But Marilyn? Marilyn is real life. She is a real woman with curves and still is beyond beautiful. You don't need to be a size 1 to be beautiful, beauty is within the eye of the beholder. It is wayyyy more than skin deep, beauty comes from within. And if you're pretty, to my guy, your face is pretty. You could be a size 20, and if your face is pretty, you're considered pretty. Our bodies don't make up everything, although most girls think it does, myself included. I think it's time we look in the mirror and instead of saying "woof!" say, "Does this color look good on me?" or "What can I do different with my hair today, or accessories!" Losing weight is scary and hard. Toning your body is extremely hard, i know, i try. But to be beautiful, love yourself and have confidence. The rest will come. Don't try to change yourself to fit the norms of today's world...be Marilyn.

"I don't mind living in a man's world, as long as I can be a woman in it." 
 

&&

"Keep smiling, because life is a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about."

learn from yourself.

I learn a lot every day.

sometimes, people change. sometimes they change for the better, or for the worse, but regardless it is out of your control. you can't help when someone is different then they always were, or better then they always were, the ball is in their court when it comes to matters of themselves. but one thing you can control, is how you handle the situation. i have learned that being sad, mad, upset, and confused, isn't the way to deal with change.  i believe you should wait and see how things come together after that person is gone, or that person is back in your life. people may surprise you... change is inevitable in every form and way. you can't stop someone from changing themselves just because you don't want the change, you must learn to ride with it, or off course.

there are times when change happens unexpectidly. something that you wish would always remain the exact same way it has always been...but you have no control over that. and i have recently learned that. sometimes, when something changes, it acts as a challenge for you to defeat or overcome. i myself, do not like some of the changes that will be accuring in my life, but i have learned that i can't stop them. all i can do is live. live, breathe, laugh, love, and enjoy the time i have in this moment, this summer, this place. because pretty soon, things are going to be changing a lot. and the only thing i can do is let them change, you decide which way i want to go with them. and as for my love, no matter the changes, it will always remain the same for you.

although i have lost some friends i have gained great new ones. although i have lost some people in my life who, at the time, meant a great deal to me, i have gained more who mean more to me. and although things may be hard and rocky a lot for me...i have learned that nothing is easy, and if it is easy, something's wrong. nothing comes easy to me. not a sport, not music, not communication with others, not school, not friendships, relationships, or life. so i have learned i need to try, and fight, and never give up. because i have the things i want in life (minus a few) and i have fought to get where i am today. nothing can take away what i have done to make myself the person i am today, and i wouldn't erase it for anything. there are days that i wish i could go back and fix things, sure, i regret a lot of things in my life...but i can't change the inevitable; the change itself. the change i have gone through in the past five years. the change my mind has gone through even in the past year, and the change i am about to go through for the next three or more years. no matter what, you cannot change what has happened, what is about to happen, or what is happening...if it's going to happen anyway. there is no "right way" to turn or to look, there is no "right door" to open or walk past, and there is no "wrong way" to live your life. YOU decide what is best for you, and YOU decide what path to walk on when you face the fork in the road with change written all over it. my path? leads right into the change, because i don't have another choice. And I'm okay with that, because I'm a fighter. And everything will be okay.

push.

what do you see when you look in the mirror?
have you ever been asked this question? I have. and at one point in my life I didn't know what to say.

I thought about what I saw within myself. And at one point, I saw nothing. I saw a failure, someone who was too sensitive and too emotional, someone weak and insecure. And it was the worst feeling in the world.

I'm not going to say that even today I don't have doubts in myself, cause I really do, but I get through them better than I was before. I am still insecure about myself, but I don't see myself as that person anymore.

I see a strong girl who has been through a lot. I see someone who may cry, but that doesn't mean she's weak. I see someone who could use daily visits to the gym, but does not stress, because when she has time, she'll get to where she wants to be physically. I see a girl who knows what she wants, and will do anything to get it. And I see someone who has come such a long way. And I'm proud.


everyone should be proud of themselves for overcoming such things. Don't ever degrade yourself just because sometimes you mess up, or there's nights where you cry yourself to sleep. That doesn't make you a bad person, weak, or a failure. You can follow your dreams, you just have to start with believing in yourself.

Stare into your horizon, and don't let a single thing get in your way of it.

do it for you.

This life isn't easy. And the phrase, "I wish I was your age again" by elders...
is bull.

I mean I guess, yeah, for purposes like not having to be COMPLETELY on your own and having to deal with things. But I'm dealing with money struggles and stressful life situations at nineteen too. It isn't as easy as everyone said it'd be now is it?

but you just gotta keep pushing through. nothing can stop you if your head is raised and your confidence is up. nothing and no one. I'm having a very good day today. I'm not quite sure, the weather, the fact that school is almost done for me. I don't know. But I'm loving it. I'm smiling, I was singing and dancing around...and it feels great to be like this. So great that I don't know why I don't find a reason to be like this every day. I think everyone should.

but sometimes things just get hard, and you feel like you can't push on by...but you can. what you CANNOT do, is give up on yourself. Once you give up, you won't get back in the amount of time you think you will, believe me. I lived in a cycle. Happy, disappointed, sad, depressed (for a week) repeat. It's not easy pulling yourself up from the ground, so stay high up instead. : )

let yourself live

"All that we see or seem, is but a dream within a dream"

this quote is written by my favorite, Edgar Allan Poe.

It means a lot to the way people think life is interpreted. Dreams are things, in my opinion, that you can make happen if you put your mind to it. If you have a dreams that you've been carrying along with you, carry on. Don't give up on them just because your path has changed direction slightly, or if something has stepped in your way. I have always had a dream of writing and for a long time, I wouldn't place a pen to a piece of paper to write anything like I usually do. I went through a time in my life where I forgot the dreams I once had and tried to make new ones, fitting my new life.

that ended badly.

just like forgetting who you are, forgetting your dreams can be very damaging. If you have no dreams, what are you living for? Dream big, set goals for yourself, and never give up. The second you give up on yourself, it gives other people the right to. And that's not good. You want as many supporters as you can get, and if you don't, then YOU be your biggest fan and motivate yourself.

nothing can get in the way of your mind and heart, if they're working side by side.

partake in this adventure.

I am getting amazing feedback from my blog, so thank you to everyone who is reading. I'm hear to help some one, make someone think, or just for something to read. :)


Today I am battling with the things that make me happy. I laid in bed, miserable, for no reason. I did not have just one pin-pointed reasoning to my sadness. That bothers me. Do you ever feel like that? Feeling like your sad and miserable for no specific reason? Because I do, and I don't like it at all.

so i let some music play
some music that made my mind wonder to different things. happiness. The Band Perry is one of my favorites because it gets me smiling or thinking about other topics, other than my own. That is always a great approach to try.

and i got a phone call
talking to my boyfriend, cheers me up 99.9% of them time. I have to be EXTREMELY down if he's not making me happy. That's what it took for my eyes to brighten, him. So call up someone you know will make you laugh, and i know, i have the funniest friends.

but after the distractions stop
remember it is only up to you to achieve happiness. Never rely on others because taking from my experiences, you get disappointed, and quickly. Happiness is key to life in my eyes, without it you're not "alive" or living your life the right way. So smile! Do something that makes you happy. Or, do what I do, write down your feelings. I started writing in my math notebook freshman year. Everything that was going on inside my head; a letter to myself. And then I found this, and I like it much more.

i hope that people can learn from the things i write and i hope it helps.


We are just people in this world. Fighting through the ashes and dust of confusion, making our path clear, and leaving a trail behind us. With what but not hearing laughter and giving smiles, is our path worth?

unspoken words

i just don't like it.

many things in life cannot be understood, changed, or explained, but we want them to be right? I know I want some things to change in my life, but some things are just better left unsaid. I'm dealing with that right now and it's frustrating, but better in the long run. Just stop worrying, take a breath and relax. Sit outside in the sun and just breathe in the air, clearing your thoughts. Nothing is worth making you crazy or sick over. And if it is, then it's not better left unsaid. But my situation is. 

It's hard to tell yourself to do the things you know are right, but your afraid. I know those feelings. I have knots in my stomach everyday and I force myself to stop, because it's not worth it.

Hi I'm Samm, and I'm a headcase.  
 nice to meet you. 
 

look back, and smile.

so much work to do, all the time. it's becoming cram weeks for school and I have no other worries but papers and work due on what days, plus my finals coming up. i cannot wait for sun, warm hair and breeze, money makin, and my boyfriend, alllll summer.

i want to be on the beach too.



so I get through my days by having life talks with myself, positive reinforcement. i tell myself how lucky i am to have the things that i have and for the people in my life. how proud i should be of myself for the accomplishments i have made and the person i have molded myself into, with a little bit of help of course. it is not always easy to be positive with yourself and believe me, it's not an every day thing for me. but im learning that it takes a lot of energy and insecurity to feel jealousy and degrade yourself daily. So then why do it? Because we're humans. it will never stop or end, but we can learn to control it in our lives. of course that green monster is going to come out in some occasions and on some days, but don't let it take over your life like it once had mine. and you're going to feel insecure somedays and feel like you're nothing on others. but just remember, that everyone is different and it is a good thing to be your own person and have your own mind. I want to reach out to everyone by saying, live to be different. live to laugh and love as much as you can. because one day, when you look back on your life, you'll be happy you learned to live it right.

watch over me

today i look up to the sky and remember you. all our amazing times together. the laughs, tears, stories, and life talks we've shared together. there is no one else like you, never will be, and  no one will ever fill the place you are in my heart.

best friends forever, in heaven or on earth.
my gardian angel <3
two years, too long.

my day today has been crazy. im exhausted everyday and i talked to myself for a good half hour about what my definition of "alive" is, after listening to Flyleaf's Fully Alive. and ive come to the conclusion, that in simpler terms, 'alive' to me is being able to smile. just because you want to, not because you saw something or someone made you. to be able to breathe. obviously being alive is you breathing and your body working. but i mean really breathing. breathing in positive air. not air full of mistakes, regrets, insecurities, sadness, horrible feelings, jealousy, etc. and to be able to dance and sing when you want, laugh till your stomach hurts and your cheeks hurt real bad. and love. love like you're not going to be here tomorrow and tell that person every single day, as many times as you want...like i do. i am not "fully alive" but im going to be :)

smooth sailing.

HUGE success on my first short story. I got the Literary Magazine that it was posted in today :) Everyone seems to love it that has read it. Which is such a confidence booster and a self esteem reassurance. Thank you to everyone who supports me :)

Sometimes reassurance is the helping hand I need to push me to my goals.

collage of minds.

I have learned about myself, clearly this time. My thoughts are all starting to come to order and make sense to me now. Last night could have been the first time, in a very long time, that I was completely happy and content. And it made me think, a lot.

no matter what you may think of yourself, or visualize what others may see, you are always going to be you. inside and out, quirks, judgments, humor, love, care, and insecurities. You will always be the only one to make the decisions, mistakes, and fight through the struggles. And most importantly, you are the one that matters the most. YOU make yourself happy and set yourself up for success, it's all on you.

I have realized how strong of a person I am. That I do have motivation and drive to do the things I want to do..because I'm doing them without even noticing. I am fighting off my own demons right now and succeeding greatly. I'm going to stop the worrying and  over thinking and just be so happy. Because I deserve just that. I deserve the real smiles and the butterflies in my stomach and the way my mouth and cheeks hurt from smiling and laughing so much.

and I deserve more
than average things and a plane and simple life. I am entitled to a beautiful life, and I'm going to partake in just that. What's the point of living if you can't enjoy and be happy right?




so keep your head up, stand tall and strong, and never let anyone tell you you're nothing; not even your own mind. Don't let temptation hold you back, or fear capture your mind. Things worth risking, involve a risk being taken. Never forget where your heart is and what makes you, you.
Leave the insecurities, regrets, flaws, and fears on the palette, and let the new colors of your mind rush together, creating something beautiful.

captured, in theory.

The brain is a fascinating machine we have in our bodies. Feelings, emotions, thoughts, movements, memories, all trapped into one mind. amazing.

except sometimes, I want to turn mine off.
the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz didn't have one, so?

I want to be able to get out of my own mind. Escape what it's making me think and worry about constantly. Why do I do it then? I don't really know. But I'm tired of it all. Everything I worry about, cry about, stress about...it's all in my head. There is not one thing wrong with my relationship, so why do I over-think it constantly? I don't have to impress everyone in the world, as long as I'm happy right? So why am I so hung up on impressing my boyfriend? I. DO. NOT. KNOW.

So I'm trying new things.

I want to keep my mind busy on the important things, not the less important. I know people who don't stress and don't worry like I do...24/7. So why can't that be me?

it.can.

and I'm going to figure it out. I am a good person, a strong person. I am a great friend and an excellent girlfriend. I care so much about people and love the ones closest to me. So why think otherwise?
stand. up. tall. and. proud. of. yourself.
stop worrying about impressing others, when you should be impressing yourself. love yourself first, then worry about what others think of you and expect from you.
look your world in the face and say "I can do it. I'm not going to let my mind take over and let it win. My heart knows what's right and that I need to believe in myself. Because I AM special and I AM beautiful and I AM a great person." So start acting like it.
and do it now. today. you can.

a true gift

friends can be the best and worst things in your life. just because you're best friends with someone doesn't mean you don't have the ups and downs, the crying, yelling, or immaturity. but it also means that they are what gets you through the day, through your worst times, and through your best times.

i know mine mean the world to me and get me through the day. ;; when you have nothing else, you will always have a friend

 

after a long day of bad weather, stress, arguing, and venting, i am content. i have amazing people in my life and i will never be alone. i love you all

the troubles of a thinker

as your smile widens,
my heart skips a beat.
oh how you capture my gaze,
and knock me off my feet.

let's spend forever together,
but let's not move to fast,
keep smiling at me every day,
making these precious moments last.


something i wrote in history this morning (that class kills me) and my brain seems to wonder to my love frequently, i just can't help it.

I've been learning a lot lately, about myself, my life, my thoughts. I can't seem to leave the questions of "why am I not good at anything" but i'm starting to realize it takes more than talents to be the kind of person I am, and I am happy I am who I am most days. And giving up on yourself is never an option, ever. You have to push yourself to your limits before you can satisfy your needs and accomplishments. Sometimes, when you just want to give up and cry, you have to push forward and look beyond what's in front of you at the moment. You have to look beyond the troubles and misfortunes and misery, and look at your life as a whole. Would you give up anything? Change something? maybe. but in the long run, are you happy with what is happening and what you're becoming. Because if you're not, start. Believe in yourself when no one else will, you're the only one who can make decisions, judgements, and happiness for yourself. Without a brilliant mind, you have nothing but a motionless life.

           everyone is entitled to a beautiful life, so live it.

you hold your life, in your own hands.

stop worrying.

Never fret, just because someone is better than you at something, doesn't mean they're actually better than you. No one can take away who you really are. Your unique qualities, personality traits, and your talents. And just because your talents aren't shown through athletics, voice, or performance, doesn't mean you don't have any. Maybe it's just going to take some time to find what you're good at and what you can achieve. I myself have been going through a rough spot dealing with "Why am I not good at anything?" I'm surrounded by people who are either excellent athletes, singers, dancers, artists, or extremely intelligent or more than one thing at a time. I am a very average student, I can dance and sing, but nothing major and I used to play sports but I no longer do. Sitting around I thought to myself, "What makes me special? What makes me stand out and impress people?" As I thought about this topic some more, and talked to my other half, I realized I don't have to be good at all of these things to be a good person, or to be unique and stand out. I have my own way of doing all of that.

I am good at making people laugh, I have proven that I write well, I love to sing and dance, but if it's not the best thing in the world, so what right? I have a very strong and big personality that attracts people towards me and my sarcasm and not-taking-any-shit personality traits do well for me also.

I am a good person, friend, girlfriend, sister, daughter, niece, grand daughter, etc. I care so deeply for my friends and family that I will do anything just to make them happy. Even before myself. I feel others emotions and when my friends are sad, I'm sad too.

So just because I'm not a Lisa Leslie, or Christina Aug., or as beautiful as Angelina Jolie, or can dance like Ciara, doesn't mean that I'm not great too. I'm going to succeed in this life and further my intelligence and walk through this life with my head held high and impressing myself. Because that's all that matters.

I have my own issues of jealousy and worrying way to much, believe me. I am jealous for a lot of reasons and always want what others have, especially things they excel at. But I'm really trying to over come that. I just want to make myself happy, and show the ones around me, that I am special in my own way. I just want to 'wow' someone.
but my boyfriend thinks I'm great :)

So everyone needs to keep their heads up, smile, have self confidence, and learn to love themselves just they way they are. Because if you don't you're going to end up living a very stressful life, becoming something you're not..for other people. Just do you, and live your life your own way. You're going to impress someone someday with your mind and your drive, motivation, and perseverance...and by just being you. And that's what really counts.

Never doubt yourself.
"la vita e bella"
means "life is beautiful" and it is. So learn to live it beautifully, by being yourself.

salt.

as the wind whips through my hair
the scent of the ocean polluting the air
the waves crash down hard, rapid
i look around me, practically timid

i am alone, here, tonight
alone under the moon light
fear itself is looking me in the eyes
how content i am when no one can hear my cries.

the salt from my tear ducts, the same as the sea
burn down my cheeks, dancing with glee
the cold sand beneath my feet
reminds me that i will not serender to defete.

i will stand tall, smile, and rejoice,
for alone i am, but not without a voice
proudly my head will never hang
and i will remember the words i have once sang

"you are alive, alive and free
never let anyone take away
what you've gotten for free"



Just a little something i was inspired to write. About, just when you're feeling alone and like nothing will get better, remember who you are and the voice you have inside you. The proud and brave voice you have is always just a stepping stone away, you just have to be able to pull it back when you need it the most. "You are alive, alive and free; never let anyone take away, what you've gotten for free" are words i thought of when i was half asleep one night. i sang them to myself and when i woke up in the morning i tired my hardest to remember what I had said. In the middle of my day, the lyrics popped back into my head and I quickly wrote them down so I wouldn't forget again. It was, in a way, really powerful to me that I just sang these words out of no where because they go with my life so well. "Never let anyone take away, what you've gotten for free" are words that mean a great deal to me. All my life I let people take away parts of me and I let myself become something I'm not. Never will I ever let someone take advantage, degrade, or rip apart what I know, as myself.

lonely in my own world.

I haven't been in the mood for writing....which is not normal.


I've just been so lonely.

Without you, I am lonelier than I have ever felt before. I can be in a room, surrounded by many people, and still feel alone because you're not with me. I am strong, and I will be patient...but this is getting harder, more exhausting, and more sad than I would have ever expected.


missing you, always.

believer

and Im not sure where this life is going to take me...
but I'm ready.

Perfection

now it's my turn for spring break.

I had the best week and I am extremely sad for it to end. My boyfriend blew me away this week. Everything was so perfect and sweeet and loving, I just love him and love when he's home.

I wish I could always be with him.

BUT nevertheless, this is the last serious goodbye I will be saying to him (other than me leaving his track meets) because in less than two months, its me and him, all summer, then we're together at Ship.

Man that is exciting.
although I'm lonely already. he takes a part of me every time he leaves me.

there is no better feeling then knowing that someone loves you, for you.
no better love than the love between him and I.
no better emotion then real happiness. happiness brought to you by yourself, and the one who loves you.
I am in love. At nineteen, for the first time, and the last time. And I couldn't be happier.

mayeighteenthtwothousandten.
me and you, forever and ever.

this is the way I live

So the new waitress job last night went well! first night in training and I did really well, so I'm happy about that.

Ive also been having the best week with my boyfriend, ever. I haven't laughed and smiled this must since the last time he was home. I miss him so much and I don't want him to go back to school Sunday. My reality is closer than I think.

Just a little ranting.

i hate school
I feel as though we waste so much time in school, granted we wouldn't have "lives" if it weren't for our education, but I'm just sick of the things I'm never going to use again in my life..
i don't care about ancient medieval history not even kind of.

and I have a huge midterm tomorrow on it, ask me if I know anything? nope. I don't.
oh and statistics, that too. test tomorrow. yay.


ugh. I want to fast forward and just be successful already. well..sometimes.

locked in

ever feel like you can't breathe? but nothing is really even going on?

i feel like that sometimes.

everything is just the same, day in and day out, and it's boring, and gloomy.
i feel like I'm stuck in a rut that i cannot wait to get out of.. but i have to do just that.
i need some new excitement and scenery in my life. some new air to breathe :)



Thank you to all my friends and family for wishing me a happy birthday and being here for me day in and day out. I love you all and I am so thankful for the life I live..

no matter the bordem or lonliness i feel sometimes

I AM BLESSED.

a little boy

Chalk

In the park near his house

A young boy will make

Lots of pictures using chalk

Some things real, some things fake.

Concentrating with his tongue out

He draws a fat cat

Giggling to himself

He finishes and says “Would ya look at that!”

He begins to draw dinosaurs

Using red, green, and blue

He makes a mistake and stomps his little feet

But still aware of just what to do

He gets up and laughs

Head held up towards the sky

Says, “Look what I can draw!”

Struts around, head held high.

Another boy spots his pictures

Covers his mouth and says “Wow!”

He tilts his head to the new admirer

Whispers quietly, “Look at me now.”

They begin to play some tag

Running all over the park

Dirt from head to toe

As the light turns to dark.

The boy goes back to his pictures

And suddenly becomes sad

Mommy grabs his little hand tight

And says, “Why don’t we show dad.”

Eyes wide, eye brows jumping

He runs to grab daddy’s hand

He shows them their big teeth and tails

So proud of his dinosaur land.

It’s time to go inside for bed

He grabs mommy and daddy’s hands to walk

He looks back reminiscing about his day

What fun he had today with chalk.

To all of you who have had broken hearts, shattered dreams, insecurities, and mental, emotional, physical, harm and stress, keep pushing through. No one deserves to be degraded and talked down to, but it happens doesn't it? I went through a time where it happened every single day, like it became routine.

I didn't realize it then, because just like anyone else, I was blinded by the horrible situation, but when I did finally come to my senses and took a step back to look at my life, I was horrified. Horrified by the person I let myself become. This scared, little, insecure, sad girl that I was not.

Keep going, don't think you won't make it or that you can't do it. End whatever you're in and be strong. Never think you 'need' someone, never. You may say you do, but sit back and actually think about it, do you really need them? I thought I needed someone one time, I was completely wrong, and I think it's sick. Sick to think you actually NEED someone to function, when they obviously show you they don't need you. Don't let that happen, ever.

Don't ever let someone tell you you're not good enough, you're ugly, you're this you're that. It's not true. I am beautiful. I have a beautiful mind and personality, and it was taken from me at one point, and forced to turn into something else. Never let that happen. Be who you are, for yourself. You're happiness comes first, it's you're number one priority. Don't let it slip away, it's hard to get back.

So I found my head again, my heart, my bright smile, and my big blue eyes of love, curiosity, care, and courage. I found out what things make me happy and just what I have to do to achieve them. I have also found someone you treats me right. With respect, care, protection, and more love then I could ever ask for or imagine. He is my best friend, the love of my life, and my savior. He has become my hero. So strong, brave, caring, loving, funny, the works. He's perfect..and I never believed in perfect before.

When you think there is no more, you're wrong. Because when you're wasting time being naive like i was and being treated poorly, you're missing out on someone who will love you for you.
Your imperfections, your strength, your emotions.
Your likes and dislikes, wierd quirks, your funny laugh, your immature jokes and mind.
Your curves, body structure, style, eyes, smile, hair.

and he/she will love the things you hate the most, just because they're apart of you.
Beauty is internal before external. let your mind wonder

oh, and happy birthday to me (:

i have a purpose in this life

I am inspired to write by the things that happen in life and in my mind. Whether all the things I write are truthful to myself or not, I am here to help someone understand something. I write to make it enjoyable for others and to get through to people. I have learned a lot by other people's writings, and I hope to do the same for someone else one day.

I have a friend, a beautiful friend, who doesn't quite know just how truley amazing she is. From the outside, some are intimidated, I love that about her. She's unique in every way. From the inside, she comes off strong, proud, brave, confident, blunt, sarcastic, and sure of herself. Within her heart, she is pure, beautiful, thoughtful, caring, loving, and would do anything for her loved ones. To me, she is beautiful. One of the most beautiful people I know and she said to me once, "you're going to save someone's life one day." Her name is Missy. And I love her.

And that means the world to me.

I am here to get inside your head, to make you think about the way you live and go throughout your own life. Take my writings what ever way you want to, but I have a purpose. Writing is extremely self healing, and it has done wonders for me. I hope for you, they will help. And if not, I'll keep trying.

Here I am, take me as I am, or don't. I am me and I will be no one else, for anyone else. Never again will I degrade myself for someone else's well-being. MY well-being is what matters, as does my happiness. And this is how I express that. So I hope you will read along.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to Gregory Dwayne Davis.
I miss you every single day and I'm always thinking about you.
Today you'll be on my mind all day and I know you want me to be happy.
But it's just really hard. You would have been 20 today..it kills me to know that.
It kills me to think that you didnt even get to live your full life, that you were taken to qucikly.
I miss you.
And I know I shouldn't be crying and being all upset, but I just can't help it. I am really very sorry.
You're happier now where you are than when you were here, and I know that. I just wish I could see you.
Happy Birthday!
Fly High <3

"No one can hurt you now

Angels are singing along with your story

Holding your hands and laughing along

Little boy you fly so high and far

You deserve it, fly high and free"

my life be like ohh ahh

no matter what is going on in your life, know that you are loved.
there is, and always will be someone that you can trust, love, and talk to.
so live your life, have a best friend, laugh, and love something with all your heart.
and when you're feeling sad, lonely, or happy, think of the people you love most in your life
and understand that they're never going to leave you; i'd be no where without the ones in my life.
no matter the troubles you're going through or the blockades in your roads, it can always be worse.
never take things for granted, there are millions of people who have less in their lives then you do now

thank you to everyone who has pushed me, taught me things, and believed in me..
when god knows i didn't even believe in myself.

i am very thankful for the people in my life, and wouldn't be the person i am today without them.


i have learned so much in the last few months that i cannot even explain.
some important things are:

believing in myself

knowing i can get what i want

never giving up on myself

laughing and smiling are the best things in life

letting someone get close, and trusting them

understand that not everything has a reason for happening, but we still have to except it.

handling things with maturety shows growth and strength

i now know what a real smile feels like

i know what it feels like to be loved, for real

rather looking down or backwards, look forward into tomorrow.

every day is a new day, smile that you're alive.



a little girl

Carefree

Laying in the meadow
A young girl will enter a daze
Looking up into the clouds
The bright blue colors holding her gaze.

She picks up a dandelion
And pops off the top
Laughing at what she has done
She picks another, then ‘pop!’

She lies on her back
Eyes closed feeling the wind blow
Her curly brown hair in her face
She peaks through as the scenery begins to flow.

The grass leaning to the left
Trees swaying to the right
She giggles to herself
Feeling the warmth of the sunlight.

She stands and spins in a circle
Eyes closed head turned up to the sky
Her dress twirls like a ballerina
She whispers softly, “Please let me fly.”

She giggles and skips along
To the nearest apple tree
She climbs to the very tip top
Just to inspect how far she can see.

The young girl sees home
Mommy ringing a bell out the window
She knows that means dinner time
Fun has come to an end in the meadow.

short story

Look at me. Ratted brown hair, blood shot eyes, and a crooked smile to go with it. I sit on my bed and stare into the soul of the girl looking back at me through the mirror. I can’t seem to find anything. I look into the pain, a shattered mind, twisting and turning, trying to fight its way out of my scull; not working. A blank, vacant, destroyed mind, with no thoughts. No emotions, no strength, no activity. As i look deeper into the lost phantom I begin to see the scars. Her skin ripped open, showing insecurities, pain, and seclusion. The broken necklace around her neck, pearls rattling away across the floor, like the dreams she once had. A pulsing pain barrels throughout my body as my head jolts away from the girl in the mirror. It lashes to the side quickly, as if someone moved it for me.

As I crawl out of my sitting position to move across the darkened, mournful room, my legs give out underneath me and my body crashes to the hard floor like I am crushing down into the earth’s crust. My cheek lies on the cold floor. Lack of air, room spinning, I still feel nothing. My empty thoughts try to fight through. They’re trying to tell me to pick my head up, but my head feels like it is made out of steal, and is not moveable. I am paralyzed in my own mind.

Days go by as I lay on the bare, piercing cement floor, alone. My hair surrounds my face as the light of a new day tries to sneak its way into my clearance. Somehow it becomes distracted, leaving me hopeless and abandoned. The pictures of my past are falling around me, as if a large gust of rapid wind broke through the bars confining me to this miniscule room. One lands in my eye sight and sends an electric pulse throughout my body. It’s him. I will not think his name, I promised myself that much. I have not thought of his face in mere moments, but now he is back. I now remember his round, aged eyes that seemed untamed and barbaric. I remember the roughness of his beard and the smell of peppermints on his breath. How he ran a hand through his messy, uncontrolled hair that fell over his left eye brow, hiding his own scars. Though I will never forget his face, his hands were the feature I recall most. They were rough, working hands; used for hard labor and slaving. Large, bruising hands that would grab at any object, letting it know he would never let go. Like a nail injected into the wall, becoming a part of its structure. I feel his hands on me now as I lie on the isolated floor. The screams in my head reverberate off the stone walls and make my ears ring. Voices screaming, crying, blaring out words of pain and misery surround me. I can’t escape, I can’t stop them, they’re too clear. My fingers clench the cement and my nails scrape a white line into the floor; I am bleeding. As the blood drops off my finger onto the white floor, I cannot feel the warmth of it, but somehow I can smell it. The rust scent of fresh blood surrounds the room and I can no longer see.
The voices cease, for now.

I am always alone. In my mind, confined room, and world. I look deep within my essence and find nothing but an abyss. The life I once had, the girl I once knew, is gone now. She was 17 and pretty. She had long dark hair that would breathe in the summer air like a blossoming flower. On her face were two bright, curious eyes that perceived more than what was in front of them. And she had a smile. It was a smile that seemed to glow like build boards in Time Square, or the light that was turned off on her that night.

But that light is gone now.

And so is she.

I lay on the cement floor trying to picture her face. Trying to recall the details of her face, and the look of the blood rushing to her cheeks to form a red, warming color; I couldn’t remember. As I pick myself up into sitting position my legs feel like they’re holding the weight of the world. I have to physically pick them up to move them now. For the first time, i acknowledge my beaten legs. The clawed, tore apart legs that were still attached to my mangled body somehow. As I am aware now, memories lacerated my entire exterior. I raised my head straight up to look into my mirror. The mirror that shows me the darkness in the new girl I have become. The mirror that shows the details of the outfit I wore the night he was here. The mirror that detects the dark soul and torn mind of the new girl I have been forced to transform into. The scars on the face, the neck, the collar bone, the
stomach, the legs, the arms. The mirror that absorbs the color white off my cement floors and makes it glisten around the room. I seem to be surrounded by these mirrors. No matter where I look or turn to, this face haunts me. I am locked in my own mind. Bars are closing and tightening around my chest and I can no longer breathe on my own. I try and focus my thoughts, telling them to fight for me, but I sense no activity. I am lost. I have forgotten. I have been beaten.

 I don’t remember what the sun looks like and I don’t recall what warmth feels like. I no longer have blood flowing to my cheeks or curious eyes that observe. I cannot retell the details of the girls’ face that I once knew or the sound of her laughter. She is dead, and I am too.

follow your own path

follow your dreams,

keep your head held high

believe in yourself

never let life slip on by

know your strengths

don't dwell on a flaw

smile for no reason

it's what's beautiful after all

proud.

It never felt so good to be recognized. By my professors, boyfriend, mom, friends, anyone. It feels good to hear that you're good at something, that you have a great talent. These past two days have made me feel extremely good about my writings, so thank you for those of you that push me along.



In a way of creativiety and love, I write these words to you.

Out of passion and faith, I belive in you.

Out of remembrance and embrace, I long to hold you.

Out of breathless moments and need, I will love you.

Haikus

Your skin is so soft

Your blue eyes mesmerize me

You are beautiful

Air tight; fighting free

Crushing against my insides

You just looked at me

Planting new flowers

Birds singing in the oak tree

Spring has just begun

Noises everywhere

Cars beeping their horns loudly

Welcome to the city

Screaming, pushing, fall

Heart breaks, eyes swell so quickly

no, ouch, I’ll be okay

use your words

My word of 2011, is

As in:

be myself

be happy

be confident

be sure of myself

be smart

beLIEVE in myself.

stand out.

ever wanted to just stand out? be good?...at something?




i want to impress you, just one time..thats all i ask.

lost.

growing up sounds real good?

Yeah, until people change and forget about you.

This happened to me and my best friend, and I'm trying to forget her because if SHE doesn't care..

why should I right?

I want to fast forward time until August sometimes.. so that I can move on with my life.

Best Friends are the people that can and/or will hurt you the most. fact.

own identity.

I can not stress enough how important and crucial it is for everyone to be their own person. Having self-respect and positive inner thoughts about yourself, is the best thing you can ever do for yourself. It has changed me as a person, and I myself didn't master this until a week or so ago, but I can definitely tell the differences on the inside and outside.

Girls and guys, who don't have self respect, act a way that isn't real. They have to be around people, or be dating someone, or be all over someone and making themselves believe others enjoy it. When in reality, you just look more pathetic.

Being your own person is huge. This life isn't about finding out who you are, it's about creating who you are. So i think it's the most important thing in life, to create the person you want to be. Wear different kinds of clothes that fit your personality or taste, listen to different types of music that you can relate to and feel, and lastly, laugh. Laugh all the time and smile sooo brightly, because that shows the most confidence in someone. Confidence is attractive and appealing, so show it off.

Most girls/guys don't know who they are or what their own identity actually is. Life is about creating it, not searching for it. Anyone can do it, and that's how you remain happy.

Also, if you cannot make yourself happy, and you have to constantly be around people to help you do so? Figure that out quick. Being alone isn't always bad, it gives you time to reflect, think, and take a deep breathe. I have learned recently, that the thoughts you think when you're alone, don't always have to be bad. They can be positive and reassuring too!

So for your own good, be someone unique. Be yourself, no one else. Because you are the only person who can tell you to do things and what decisions to make. And bad decisions will happen, but learn from your mistakes and regrets. Don't EVER let someone bring you down.

You are your own leader, so lead the way.