a special bond

I just finished the book The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. Let me just say I have never felt every emotion all at once after reading a novel, but last night I did. This book puts a lot of things in perspective: life, death, afterlife and the important things. I am really glad my best friend lent it to me to read.

I am a happy girl. I can honestly say I have never said that with confidence before. The end of my senior year was probably the last time I was truly happy, with everything. I am always happy with my relationship, but now more than ever. I never was really happy with school, until I began attending ShipU. I have had my struggles with my family but once you leave home, you create a bond with them that is so tight, that you want to come home every day just to hear them talk and laugh. My friends, well, that has always been a constant battle for me, but right now, I can say I am happy with whom I have in my life. But lastly, myself. I have not  been happy with myself since, like I said, the end of my senior year where everything came together...a little too late. But right now, I am ecstatic. I am becoming thin and healthy, like I have always wanted (I am waking up at 6 a.m. to do so), I am smiling a lot more, like I have always needed and I am feeling great about myself inside and out, like I never knew I could. It feels amazing to prove yourself wrong.

Confidence is a mental bond between you and the outside world. There are people with too much of it, due to appreciation of others, compliments and ignorance-not to be confused with arrogance. The outside world plays such a huge part in how we see ourselves and honestly, that is scary to me. We all need to learn to let that go and live our own lives, not what others think is ideal.

 I believe that confidence is something learned, earned and vital to your mind. But up until recently there were very few things I was confident in; myself was not one of those things. Confidence sometimes intimidates and hurts the heart as well. I know that I have seen many people go throughout their days feeling confidence in everything they do, but not being good people. I have seen many people have no confidence at all in what they do and being extraordinary people. So do not let the mixture of confidence and insecurities mold your view of people; they are two enemies battling back and forth at each other. Sometimes one wins over the other but the problem is, once insecurity has won over your thought process, it is more of a battle to fight out of that mind set than anything else. So confidence, being the mental bond between yourself and the outside world, is what I like to call a demon. It can be so healthy, but it can be turned into ignorance and arrogance in a split second, destroying you. And insecurity can destroy you as well, which hurts a lot more.

Right now, confidence is one of the best things I have ever felt at the moment. Not walking around hiding who you are, inside and out. Not thinking less of yourself for any reason and really conquering your inner negative thoughts. And finally, feeling like you can do anything.

My writing has always been the way I could escape from everything that was going on. It has always been the only thing to free my mind of its constant scramble of insecurity and negativity; I could never have a second to myself to just think of something positive before. My brain has always been going, 24/7 in every different direction. But right now, it is not. Focusing on what I am writing has always been a thing I was very good at. It's like, my brain takes a few minutes and just stops. It jumps from inside my scull to my hands and lets me write my inner most thoughts in a way that inspires, helps and explains what my verbal skills cannot. I have always had confidence in my writing because up until a year or so ago, I never let anyone read what I wrote. But now, I am the Opinion Editor at ShipU. I am an intern journalist/photographer at the Blue Valley Times newspaper, I am an avid blogger and take such joy in people reading what I post. This is all from confidence, which is not my demon, but my savior.

Last night, after finishing the novel by John Green, I did not know what to do with myself. I sat staring at the ceiling almost feeling helpless in my mind. But as I was totally zoned out in my emotions and thoughts, I thought to myself: you know what the real challenge in life is? What is so challenging for me? To finally figure out why you are here. To see the beauty in things and take a second to cherish what you have. To realize, deep down, what your demons are and fix them....all these things are such troubles for people and I am proud to say that I am finding the answers to these common troubles, every day.

Confidence can be a demon or it can be a savior, like it is for myself. Insecurity is my inner most demon that brings along fear. I do not want to be afraid anymore, which of course is inevitable. But instead of running from the things that scare me, I am running toward them because that is where I am going to get the most out of my life.


Be strong, be bold
and finally, be you